Larger than life

I'm not really sure how to start or what even to write about...
i'm not even sure if anyone will even read this
I mean, why would they?
I am sure of three things though-
1. I am a weak, stupid person who really doesn't deserve to live
2. I don't really feel like I have a reason 2 live anymore
3. I feel alone and empty (even though I am stuffed full of crap at the moment)

My name is Lorella. Larger than life Lorella the kids at school would chant to me in the playground. Jabbing their fingers into my spongy skin and leering at me as they crowded round in large circles, viciously taunting me about the very thing I have grown to despise. My body.
I'm now 15, living in the uk and attending a catholic school, though god knows why because a.I'm not catholic or even christian and b.God fuking hates me because I let him down alll the time.

Today I did an hours excersize of stretching and dancing. I've always wanted to record a video of myself dancing and stick it on youtube or something like that. Im 90% possitive it would be a hit, as sad depressed people would watch it to boost their happiness and confidence - anyone would feel more confident about themselves after watching me madly jump around like a bowl of pink wobbly jelly.

After that I played on the wii fit. And then I played tennis for an hour. AND THEN...i ate.
I couldn't stop the white bread and humous being shoved into my mouth, I felt out of control and crazy. Even my mother was looking at me wide eyed, like I was some kind of wild savage animal that hadn't been fed for days. Next came a meal my mother cooked me and then i grabbed a large jar of nutella type stuff (but without the nuts because I am highly allergic to them), and I ate it straight from the jar- shovelling mouthful after mouthful into my greedy gob and not stopping until I had litteraly scraped the last remaining bits of chocolate out of the jar.
I literally repulse myself down to the very core of my body.
Why am I so fucking weak? Its like I can last through the day perfectly well, but then when the evening comes I am so hungry my body just goes into automatic and my brain doesn't even have time to think before I realise what Im doing.

Im setting myself a new goal, something I hope I will be good at. Instead of pushing myself to be a stone lighter every week which is soo impossible for me, I am going to tackle the things that cause me to binge eat and therefore put on weight. I use to be addicted to Millies cookies smoothie drinks and biscuits, I would literally have 5 biscuits and around 2/3 drinks per week. I was a total Millies addict. The one day I told myself that I HAD to stop having anything from Millies cookies. And that was that. Now I have not had a single drop of drink or a single crumb of a cookie from that place in like 4 months.
My new goal is to cut out white bread until I have lost 7 pounds. Once I have reached my aim weight I can start eating it again is small proportions. Tomorrow I am going to set anyother new goal until I am cutting out everything that i binge on, at least it is something that will cheer me up.

Night people,
Large than life Lorella x