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Hi,

To the occasional passers who stumble across my blog, please do consider following or at least writing a comment. I could do with a friend or two to talk too! (That was a lot of to's!) And to just have some interaction, considering this is a blog.

Thanks x

I am still living

Is it a crime to say yes to food, and no to starvation? Is it a crime to find the weak voice that lays rotting inside of you, to dust off the cobwebs and say without shame or humiliation the three words that we all dread; I AM HUNGRY.
It certainly is of a high powered, self driven, obsessive compulsive food freak to face her inner demons rather than oh-so easily ignore them.

Today I had my last ever 'parent's evening', where the parents i.e my twitchy, jumpy mother, comes to talk to each of my subject teachers. Psychology was first, and both teachers had praise, although they did worry about my struggling with the last past of the course that really gets hard work. Still they even told me not to work so hard. That felt like a bit of a paradox to what she had been ranting about through gritted teeth, a couple of weeks ago about how we all need to up our game. Photography was slightly less pleasing and at one point I thought I was going to literally have to restrain my mother, to stop her from exploding with anger when the teacher made a comment about me needing to work harder, despite my slaving efforts. Philsophy and Ethics was by far the best, they are both lovely teachers and they wanted to "bottle up my hard work and sell it".

A week has pasted since my low point, where the doctor told me that he would consider putting me into hospital if my depression got any worse. I have been taking 100mg of setralin rather than 50mg per day. My mood has improved. On thursday night I went to the park with my sister and we had a laugh. I took my camera with me, deciding to get to work straight away by improving my comments from the photographer teachers about needing to take more photographs.

On friday night it was the annual Halloween party at my school that everyone attends. It was good, and I even got busted for running back out with a friend and trying to hide behind the mini van, after our plan to find our secret stash of alcohol went to pot after we realised it had been taken. That was very thrilling and funny. I did want to try and get with a boy that I have liked for ages though, which didn't happen. I'm starting to feel like I will never get a boyfriend at this rate.

Tonight I've been looking through old photographs of me, and its certainly put into perspective how much weight I actually need to loose and how much I would feel happier if I did.

Why does my life seem to revolve around, my mood, school, and my weight?
Its all a little monotonous and tiring.

At least my mood has not gone rocketing up sky-high then crashing back down to an all time low. Its stable which is a good thing.

I'm so so so tired. I slept for several hours today after deciding not to go to school but my energy levels have diminished to non existent. I woke up early for my detention for being late the other day. I started crying thinking about school and life and how miserable I feel. I couldn't stop crying. We rang the doctor up at the maudsley and made an appointment with him. I think I know his son actually but I won't be telling him that. We sat and talked and I burst into floods of tears when he told me that I could no longer come back here after my 18th birthday in three weeks. Three weeks is not long enough to cure me of my life long illness. In the fourth week I could be ready to die and it won't even be his problem. Don't worry the GP can handle all your concerns he told me. The GP my arse. Last time I went to there I was sent away feeling even worse.
The sad matter of fact is that once you are classified as an adult everything in life stops becoming so 'cushy'. Including the help I need for this depression.

At the end of the session I asked him what is the difference between this being a moderate depression and a severe one. He suggested that a severe depression is where symptoms will include hearing voices or having a distorted sense of reality. I'm not at that stage but it rings a familiar bell in the back of my mind where my perception of reality was once distorted.
I asked him if hospitalisation needed to be an option and he said not that he thinks. However he also said that if I were to go to A&E now he would definitely consider admitting me.
He made me promise that if I feel like killing myself that I have to go to A&E. I told him I would.
I'm not sure how I feel about a hospital. I think I'd worry more about how everyone else would react rather than how I would feel.

School is a major factor in my depression at the moment. I really need to talk to my teachers I think and tell them that I am finding it a bit difficult to cope but I'm not sure what to say to make them understand yet not reveal too much.

My doctor has increased my dose of setralin to 100mg instead of my dose of 50mg. He will be monitoring my progress from now until three weeks time to see how I cope with it.

I don't want to be eighteen. I've never not wanted anything more in my life. All I want in my life is to stay in my bed under the duvet not having to even bother thinking about school or friends or people or life. I texted my best friend Emily to ask her if she wanted to chat. She knew something was wrong with me because I briefly spoke to her earlier. She decided that taking a nap was more important so now I am left to write to nobody really on this blog.

I hate selfish people. Why doesn't she just ask me how I am? She knows I'm ill, so why not be considerate.

I don't know how to feel anymore. I'm resigning emotionally from life. I think I will now just be a walking zombie. Fuck everyone else.

what now?

I feel like I can't go on anymore. It has all gotten very bad, very quickly. 

I know what my mum would say if she knew I was talking like this, she would tell me to get a grip and to 'stop being sad'. I'm not sure its that easy. Maybe it is, maybe I'm just a lost soul trapped in my own negativity. 

It feels different this time around. I'm ready to check out of life, that I am sure of. Yet there is no angst or anxiety, nervousness, crying fits and hysterics. I am calm, and I like it this way. When a sense of overwhelming emotions washed over me earlier, instead of crumbling to the floor and sobbing my heart out I just felt numb. Talking to people is also becoming a colossal effort. 

I don't know what to do. The school work is pilling up and I know that I will get in severe trouble tomorrow but I don't think I even care. 

I just want to check out of life for good. I don't want to kill myself though, but I have been self harming badly today. And vomiting. So much for the end of that, although it was very minor vomiting. 

I just want to go so badly. Why was I even created. I didn't choose to be born, and I don't want to be here feeling like this, and feeling an immense amount of guilt because I am a selfish brat who has everything in the world, and when I compare my problems to those that have absolutely nothing and struggle to even live, I am a mere shadow in the breaking of dawn across the horizon. 

Please just let me go. Let my family and everyone who has ever known me just forget me and be happy with their lives without me. I just want to go so badly. So so badly. 

Deluded soul

Everything was going oh so very right and somewhere along the way it turned out to be oh so very wrong...

A couple of weeks after the medication and we arrive home after my third visit to see my doctor at the Maudsley. I hug my mum and we laugh about nothing in particular and I tell her how happy I am. I survive a week of school, and the build up to my driving test which I wasn't as nervous about as I thought I would be. I also didn't sink into any low moods, depressive states, cry or have a panic attack over it. I did however, fail, but I will just keep trying until I pass.

Last week was not so good. I started cutting my wrists again with a piece of glass, and I tried and failed miserably to make myself sick (something I haven't done in several months). I'm a little bit afraid to tell my doctor that my tablets aren't working, because I am worried what my state of mind would be like if I came off them. He also mentioned that he was "relieved" they worked, otherwise we would have to try an alternative method of treatment, by going down the "talking" route. I kid you not, I have spent a good half of my love analysing and talking in depth about my issues. Talking is no longer a helpful process in my recovery for me.

So I am faced with a dilemma. Do I stay on the tablets or do I confess that I have been self harming and self loathing? I know if I say this though my mother will be devastated  and I do not want to put her through any more anguish, especially after all she has done for me. I also found out from a close friend of mine that a girl I know, whom is a perfectionist, has become an anorexic. I am jealous, and for this I hate myself a lot, and hate her a little.

I want to take a leap of faith this friday at a party and just go and talk to this boy that I have liked for ages, but my weight physically stops me from feeling attractive or confident or worthy. I need to loose weight. It is the ONLY foreseeable thing that will make me happy. And getting good grades. And having a boyfriend. But all of that will come with being thin.

thin= happy happy happy 

I am a deluded soul, lost in a world were wrong is right and right is wrong.

I can feel my heart beat running away

I haven't posted for awhile, which has been stressful as I've felt the need to vent so frequently the past couple of days, let I haven't had the time to just sit down and write.
I'm not sure where to start...perhaps with my last session at the Maudsley. The rain was pouring as we drove there and it was freezing cold. We arrived fifteen minutes early, so I sat in the waiting room with a nervous looking young boy and his mother and a thin young girl. She looked young, maybe eleven or twelve at the most, and her knee caps were starting to protrude from her skin. I was so fascinated by them both that I couldn't help but stare a little, which too my embarrassment  was met with raised eyebrows from them or their parents. As I sat waiting for the doctor, I wondered what had triggered the girl, so so young, to stop eating and to become anorexic. Why is she anorexic? At her age, I wasn't even aware of myself as a person, or even aware of the world, let alone serious mental disorders like hers.

The meeting was very boring. Actually it felt more like my A level Psychology lesson, when he became to inform my mother of how the brain works, and how the neurotransmitter, Serotonin, is helped by the tablets to stop the re-uptake of the chemical. It was all very boring, and when he asked me how I was, and how the drugs had been going since the past week, I looked at him blankly, as if to say I hadn't even considered the question might come up. Ha the absurdity of it all. I must have a goldfish memory, because I sat there dumb struck trying to figure out just exactly what I had been feeling the past week. I offered him little information, besides the normal symptoms of feeling nauseous and having nightmares. I did not tell him of the suicide thoughts, or rather musings. I couldn't do that to my mother. I also had the urge to slash my wrists just now but instead I wrote a mantra of my wrist, that my friend Candy told me the other day:

"It will all workout in the end, and if it doesn't then it isn't the end"

I love that saying so much I even want it tattooed on my body, and I am certainly not one for destroying the figure with graffiti, so that is really saying something.
Today and Friday weren't such good days. I described it to my mum as I crawled into bed with her on the Friday morning as feeling "unwell inside my head". I didn't want to go into school, but I did and I'm glad I did because my anxiety drastically improved. Today though I have been feeling nervous about driving, especially because my test is coming up so soon. I will let you know whether I pass! Fingers crossed I do, first time round. I feel a lot more prepared for it now then I did a couple of months ago.
I've been having OCD thoughts recently as well. Like last night I suddenly had a thought that if I didn't check the gas was off and the back door was locked then something very bad would happen. I asked my mum if she ever felt that bad things would happen if she didn't do something else to stop it, and she said never. She told me to just relax and to stop thinking negatively, but its hard to make her understand. The thought came as quickly as it disappeared. It came from out of the blue. I wonder if when anorexics say that they "hear voices" tell them what to do, it is similar or exactly the same as to my thought process.
Will I ever be cured of my problems? That sounds like something pathetic and self pitying only a first world, white girl would say. I hope I am not this person, or rather I will not be this person once I discover who I am. 'Lost identity' can be my only claim to a persona at the moment. Who am I?

Every day that goes by I am more and more grateful that I dropped English literature. I love writing, but Philosophy and Ethics is far more fascinating, enjoyable and less stressful. We even get a cake lesson on a Friday afternoon. We didn't get that in English! Its strange because English has also been my strong point, and I've always loved to write. I enjoy writing this blog, and the thought of the future me reading back on this moment, thrills me even more.

I have to end this blog now, but I'd like to finish by talking about the rest of the Maudsley appointment. When the doctor was talking of the levels of depression, he mentioned three. Almost non existent which can be cured by exercise and a good diet, mild depression which can be cured by therapy and chemotherapy, and then severe depression which usually results in hospitalization  This struck a cord with me, when he began to describe severe depression and how one tends to self loath to the point of hopelessness. I described to him through choked tears, that I would lie in my bed for hours, and sometimes on the floor, just crying and crying. My mum began to cry at this, and it was so sad to see, I wish I hadn't mentioned it. It was years ago when my room was being redecorated, and all of the furniture had been moved out except my mattress. I remember crawling from my mattress onto the floor in a time of despair and just cried and cried until the sun stopped shining and I was plunged into bleak darkness.
I was also given an overview of my psychiatric assessment that I thoroughly read. It was very interesting actually. It said I have minor OCD, which I never realised. It also said that I do not have an eating disorder and that I am not clinically depressed, although the parent report on me did result in clincal depression, which was interesting. I'm not sure whether I am happy about this or not. I told my mother about the eating disorder results and she said "Well I don't think you have an eating disorder". I just looked at her blankly. Sigh, will she ever escape the cage she lives in inside her head. Will I ever escape mine? Maybe she's right, maybe I don't have an eating disorder. I haven't been sick in months, although that doesn't mean that I haven't thought about it.
Like I've said before, if there was an easy way to be sick I would be, but there isn't, and the process of being sick just makes my body tired even thinking about it.
On another note, I over ate tonight because of my anxiety, which was counter productive, seeing as I am trying to loose weight to decrease my anxiety. The cycle never seems to end.

I will post more soon hopefully.
Don't hate me for sounding all so wrong on this blog. I'm sure this isn't the real me.