You can get addicted to a certain kind of sadness

So where do I begin?
I haven't blogged in what feels like forever, I'm not even sure if anyone cares, although I've noticed that I now have a couple more followers (which I am very grateful for!). I don't particularly mind if nobody bothers to read my work, it is just there for my comfort and as a way to relieve my thoughts.

We had to draw an idea of what our mind looks like in psychology the other day. I really wanted to fill it with words such as 'consumed by food' 'anxiety' 'depressed' 'self-loath' 'empty' 'hate everyone', and then I realised that this person isn't me anymore. And besides why would I want this strange, self-obsessed person to be me anyway? Instead I filled it with four words - emotion, thoughts, positive, negative. I explained how when I have a positive thought it affects my mood and emotion, and likewise when I have a negative thought it also affects my mood and emotion. I believe this sums up most of us quite well, let alone me. My partner just drew a crazzzyyy scribble all over his piece of paper and then gleefully declared that he could not describe his mind, other than to say that it was a 'whirlwind'. Its true he is a whirlwind. I love crazy people, they seem to look at the world in a different way, as if they have donned a pair of glasses that tint the world with vibrant, vivacious colours.
I've been discharged from the Maudsley hospital, since I turned eighteen a month ago. It felt like the worse thing in the world, but I'm starting to realise that it has actually done me the world of good. I can move on now, and let it all just go. I'm still on the tablets and I am happy about that. They make me feel normal, and they make day to day life enjoyable.

So I've been okay actually, I might even venture as far as to say I've been 'happy' whatever that means.
I'm going to Ghana next summer to help build a community, and then onto university. I've got exams coming up soon, and I've been oscillating between working hard, and not even bothering to work at all.
I've decided that I HAVE to loose weight, I just have too. But not in an obsessive kind of way, in a healthy kind of way.

I feel like there is not much to say anymore. But that's quite a good thing actually, because when I do have lots to say its usually because I am in a very low place. Christmas is coming and I'm actually looking forward to it for once! I sat at the breakfast table the other day, and told my mum that this is the first time I've allowed myself to feel excited for Christmas. Its a strange thing being ill, or sad, or whatever it is. It kind of haunts you, clings to you like a comfort blanket, and its only until you begin to let go and believe there is a world of possibilites beyond the duvet that protects you from the outside, it is then that you can begin to get better.
I believe I am on the road to recovery, hell I might even be there. I'm not thin, not even slim, but somehow that doesn't seem to fill me with physical sickness anymore. I'm not anxiety ridden either. I'm just me. Well I'm beginning to find 'me', maybe I will let you know when I've completely found her.

I hope everyone else is well, I really do.
Who knows when I will write again, maybe it will be tomorrow, maybe it won't. xxx