Recalling my summer

The air is still and lifeless today, and I have that 'sunday feeling' of slight dread for what tomorrow will bring. I am angry that I am going to the Maudsley soon. It has forced me to confront my issues again, which were perfectly happy sitting there at the back of my mind as an unwrapped present.
I have been on a real high recently. The summer was great for me. I went to Turkey for two weeks, and I had the confidence to wear a swimsuit despite weighing a stone more than my holiday I took last year (where I covered up in knee length shorts and a top). I think it helped that there weren't any other English families staying in the same hotel as us. I only tried to make myself sick once, for which I failed miserable at, and  was rewarded with heart palpitations. I did storm off one night at dinner when my family were making me angry, and I locked myself in one of the toilets in the communal bathroom, but I had the decency not to make myself sick because I was conscious that other people would hear and that I had just touched the door handle which would have contained a feast of germs and bacteria, and I wasn't going to be foolish enough to stick my finger down my throat after touching that.
Sometimes I think I would be sick so much more if it didn't actually involve me having to stick my throat down my fingers and go through that length process. And I would certainly do it more if my being sick was soundless.
After Turkey, I went to Reading Festival for three days and four nights. It was stressful to begin with, as the travelling was strenuous and tiring, and my friend was aggravating me. I also got trampled on in the first music act that I went to see (Crystal castles), which left me feeling shaky and wanting to go home. I did enjoy myself overall though, and I definitely recommend that everybody should have the experience of a festival just once in their life, but I don't know if I will do it again. Whilst eating and my weight was not that much of an issue to me on holiday, I certainly did feel that I stuck out like a sore thumb at Reading with everybody in their short shorts, whilst I wore long dresses and leggings with dresses. If I went again I would have to be thin to properly enjoy myself. I did take a gleeful satisfaction from eating the bare minimum at reading, and I kept thinking to myself how nice it would be to eat as little as this in my day to day life, and yet not feel hungry. I brought a huge bag of food along with us, but my friend ended up eating all of it, which annoyed me to no end because I had paid for it, but also pleased me that I had resisted.
Coming back to school this year has been 10x better than last year, so I have been on a high from that as well. For a start, I have a solid group of friends now, whom I love and who love me, where as last year I was starting new and I didn't know a single person. I also feel more confident to talk to random people, and I have managed to portray more of the real me, the loud, funny self that I kept hidden for so long at that school.
The work load has intensified without hesitation, and it's only the first full week back. I'm struggling to do it all, despite forcing myself to stay behind after school to complete it, (although so far this has proved futile, as  I am doing more talking than working!)...But all in all everything has been great. Also, GREAT news...I have started the GYM!!!! I went for a trial induction before my trip to Turkey, but due to the holiday, Reading Festival and then getting ill, I have only been able to start officially last week. I decided to let the woman weigh me, which is a very big ordeal considering that I NEVER let anybody know my weight and have always refused at the doctors and the asthma clinic, although it is vital for them to know. She told me that I was categorically obese, which I knew already from doing my BMI on the internet. I find this slightly ironic that an obese girl is going to an eating disorder hospital. Anyways it has made me determined to get down to my goal weight which is nine stone, and so far I am quite away off from that. I wonder what my family and friends would say if they knew that I was categorically obese? They would probably laugh. I don't think people would know, on observing me, because I do actually have quite a slim waist and I am tall, but its obvious to see that I am definitely overweight.

I do not want to let this Maudsley appointment shatter my happiness, so I will be strong and tough it out. Its only for three hours, and then hopefully I will never have to visit that place again.
Is it strange (and slightly twisted) that I would be happy to go there if I was shockingly thin, and people genuinely thought I was ill, rather than being the larger than life girl that I actually am.