When did everything so wrong, suddenly become so right??

Today I've had a revelation. I finished school at lunch time, and I went to Costa with a good friend of mine, Candy, who has been on holiday for several months. We got talking about another friend who was referred to CAMHS for anxiety, several months ago. Candy tells me that she was also going to go to CAMHS in year ten, and when I ask why she tells me that her mother is bipolar. This is SHOCKING news to me. It really goes to show that however much you think you know about someone, you never know everything about them.
We started talking about weight and she told me she had tried to make herself sick in the past but she'd never been able to. Candy talks in such a light hearted, humorous manner about it all, that I struggle to comprehend how a beautiful girl who has a bipolar mother, is so strong and powerful. She doesn't love herself though, and that's sad because she doesn't realise how beautiful she is inside and out. Something interesting that Candy mentioned to me is that she has never properly fallen for anyone, and she does not want to be in a relationship. She said to me "How can I expect other people to love me, and look at my body, when I do not love myself, and I do not like how I look". Possibly the most truest thing I've ever heard. Candy also told me about how her mother has been admitted to hospital several times, which fascinated me. She said that when she gets on a high its the worst, and when her mother plays music really loud and stops sleeping, Candy knows that thing are getting bad. This also fascinated me, that loud music has become some sort of warning sign for Candy.

Its strange having someone so perfect tell you their heart saddening life story. She is so perfect and she doesn't see it, but I can't persuade her otherwise and I won't try because everything that she is going through- when she tells me that if she could be anorexic she would, when she tells me that she walks into zara and it kills her a little bit that she can't put together the beautiful clothing to make a piece of artwork on her body because she just isn't good enough body wise- I can relate to it all in a sick, twisted warped way.


When did everything so wrong, suddenly become so right??

I've been thinking about suicide recently. Not about actually doing it ( I am in a much much better place then I was in the spring time), but just about the concept itself. Like today for instance when I was queuing up for my drink and I handed the woman my Costa card, I thought to myself, if I ever did try to kill myself again I would make sure that I spend all of my points on my costa card before I do it, otherwise it will be a waste of me having used it a million times and collecting all those points, just to die in the end. And also I would do weird things like cut off all my hair, and have a wild time with my friends before I went. And go on a country walk with my mother and sit on my sisters bed and laugh with her about nothing in particular. I need to stop talking like this, its sickening. Apart from these musing thoughts, the medication is going well. I am going back to CAMHS in two days, to discuss my meeting at the Maudsley. I think they were quite shocked that the Maudsley put me on tablets as well, and the mental health nurse that I see at CAMHS told me to remove all the tablets in my house when I first went to see her, and was also trying to keep me away from using any medication just in case I OD, so I do not think they will be happy about this.


I will keep Candy in my heart forever, and she will always be my friend, even if our lives force us into inevitable, separate paths. I'm so glad we opened up to each other...better late than never as they say.

She is so strong, I have the most admiration for her.