I can feel my heart beat running away

I haven't posted for awhile, which has been stressful as I've felt the need to vent so frequently the past couple of days, let I haven't had the time to just sit down and write.
I'm not sure where to start...perhaps with my last session at the Maudsley. The rain was pouring as we drove there and it was freezing cold. We arrived fifteen minutes early, so I sat in the waiting room with a nervous looking young boy and his mother and a thin young girl. She looked young, maybe eleven or twelve at the most, and her knee caps were starting to protrude from her skin. I was so fascinated by them both that I couldn't help but stare a little, which too my embarrassment  was met with raised eyebrows from them or their parents. As I sat waiting for the doctor, I wondered what had triggered the girl, so so young, to stop eating and to become anorexic. Why is she anorexic? At her age, I wasn't even aware of myself as a person, or even aware of the world, let alone serious mental disorders like hers.

The meeting was very boring. Actually it felt more like my A level Psychology lesson, when he became to inform my mother of how the brain works, and how the neurotransmitter, Serotonin, is helped by the tablets to stop the re-uptake of the chemical. It was all very boring, and when he asked me how I was, and how the drugs had been going since the past week, I looked at him blankly, as if to say I hadn't even considered the question might come up. Ha the absurdity of it all. I must have a goldfish memory, because I sat there dumb struck trying to figure out just exactly what I had been feeling the past week. I offered him little information, besides the normal symptoms of feeling nauseous and having nightmares. I did not tell him of the suicide thoughts, or rather musings. I couldn't do that to my mother. I also had the urge to slash my wrists just now but instead I wrote a mantra of my wrist, that my friend Candy told me the other day:

"It will all workout in the end, and if it doesn't then it isn't the end"

I love that saying so much I even want it tattooed on my body, and I am certainly not one for destroying the figure with graffiti, so that is really saying something.
Today and Friday weren't such good days. I described it to my mum as I crawled into bed with her on the Friday morning as feeling "unwell inside my head". I didn't want to go into school, but I did and I'm glad I did because my anxiety drastically improved. Today though I have been feeling nervous about driving, especially because my test is coming up so soon. I will let you know whether I pass! Fingers crossed I do, first time round. I feel a lot more prepared for it now then I did a couple of months ago.
I've been having OCD thoughts recently as well. Like last night I suddenly had a thought that if I didn't check the gas was off and the back door was locked then something very bad would happen. I asked my mum if she ever felt that bad things would happen if she didn't do something else to stop it, and she said never. She told me to just relax and to stop thinking negatively, but its hard to make her understand. The thought came as quickly as it disappeared. It came from out of the blue. I wonder if when anorexics say that they "hear voices" tell them what to do, it is similar or exactly the same as to my thought process.
Will I ever be cured of my problems? That sounds like something pathetic and self pitying only a first world, white girl would say. I hope I am not this person, or rather I will not be this person once I discover who I am. 'Lost identity' can be my only claim to a persona at the moment. Who am I?

Every day that goes by I am more and more grateful that I dropped English literature. I love writing, but Philosophy and Ethics is far more fascinating, enjoyable and less stressful. We even get a cake lesson on a Friday afternoon. We didn't get that in English! Its strange because English has also been my strong point, and I've always loved to write. I enjoy writing this blog, and the thought of the future me reading back on this moment, thrills me even more.

I have to end this blog now, but I'd like to finish by talking about the rest of the Maudsley appointment. When the doctor was talking of the levels of depression, he mentioned three. Almost non existent which can be cured by exercise and a good diet, mild depression which can be cured by therapy and chemotherapy, and then severe depression which usually results in hospitalization  This struck a cord with me, when he began to describe severe depression and how one tends to self loath to the point of hopelessness. I described to him through choked tears, that I would lie in my bed for hours, and sometimes on the floor, just crying and crying. My mum began to cry at this, and it was so sad to see, I wish I hadn't mentioned it. It was years ago when my room was being redecorated, and all of the furniture had been moved out except my mattress. I remember crawling from my mattress onto the floor in a time of despair and just cried and cried until the sun stopped shining and I was plunged into bleak darkness.
I was also given an overview of my psychiatric assessment that I thoroughly read. It was very interesting actually. It said I have minor OCD, which I never realised. It also said that I do not have an eating disorder and that I am not clinically depressed, although the parent report on me did result in clincal depression, which was interesting. I'm not sure whether I am happy about this or not. I told my mother about the eating disorder results and she said "Well I don't think you have an eating disorder". I just looked at her blankly. Sigh, will she ever escape the cage she lives in inside her head. Will I ever escape mine? Maybe she's right, maybe I don't have an eating disorder. I haven't been sick in months, although that doesn't mean that I haven't thought about it.
Like I've said before, if there was an easy way to be sick I would be, but there isn't, and the process of being sick just makes my body tired even thinking about it.
On another note, I over ate tonight because of my anxiety, which was counter productive, seeing as I am trying to loose weight to decrease my anxiety. The cycle never seems to end.

I will post more soon hopefully.
Don't hate me for sounding all so wrong on this blog. I'm sure this isn't the real me.