I'm so so so tired. I slept for several hours today after deciding not to go to school but my energy levels have diminished to non existent. I woke up early for my detention for being late the other day. I started crying thinking about school and life and how miserable I feel. I couldn't stop crying. We rang the doctor up at the maudsley and made an appointment with him. I think I know his son actually but I won't be telling him that. We sat and talked and I burst into floods of tears when he told me that I could no longer come back here after my 18th birthday in three weeks. Three weeks is not long enough to cure me of my life long illness. In the fourth week I could be ready to die and it won't even be his problem. Don't worry the GP can handle all your concerns he told me. The GP my arse. Last time I went to there I was sent away feeling even worse.
The sad matter of fact is that once you are classified as an adult everything in life stops becoming so 'cushy'. Including the help I need for this depression.

At the end of the session I asked him what is the difference between this being a moderate depression and a severe one. He suggested that a severe depression is where symptoms will include hearing voices or having a distorted sense of reality. I'm not at that stage but it rings a familiar bell in the back of my mind where my perception of reality was once distorted.
I asked him if hospitalisation needed to be an option and he said not that he thinks. However he also said that if I were to go to A&E now he would definitely consider admitting me.
He made me promise that if I feel like killing myself that I have to go to A&E. I told him I would.
I'm not sure how I feel about a hospital. I think I'd worry more about how everyone else would react rather than how I would feel.

School is a major factor in my depression at the moment. I really need to talk to my teachers I think and tell them that I am finding it a bit difficult to cope but I'm not sure what to say to make them understand yet not reveal too much.

My doctor has increased my dose of setralin to 100mg instead of my dose of 50mg. He will be monitoring my progress from now until three weeks time to see how I cope with it.

I don't want to be eighteen. I've never not wanted anything more in my life. All I want in my life is to stay in my bed under the duvet not having to even bother thinking about school or friends or people or life. I texted my best friend Emily to ask her if she wanted to chat. She knew something was wrong with me because I briefly spoke to her earlier. She decided that taking a nap was more important so now I am left to write to nobody really on this blog.

I hate selfish people. Why doesn't she just ask me how I am? She knows I'm ill, so why not be considerate.

I don't know how to feel anymore. I'm resigning emotionally from life. I think I will now just be a walking zombie. Fuck everyone else.