Is it a crime to say yes to food, and no to starvation? Is it a crime to find the weak voice that lays rotting inside of you, to dust off the cobwebs and say without shame or humiliation the three words that we all dread; I AM HUNGRY.
It certainly is of a high powered, self driven, obsessive compulsive food freak to face her inner demons rather than oh-so easily ignore them.
Today I had my last ever 'parent's evening', where the parents i.e my twitchy, jumpy mother, comes to talk to each of my subject teachers. Psychology was first, and both teachers had praise, although they did worry about my struggling with the last past of the course that really gets hard work. Still they even told me not to work so hard. That felt like a bit of a paradox to what she had been ranting about through gritted teeth, a couple of weeks ago about how we all need to up our game. Photography was slightly less pleasing and at one point I thought I was going to literally have to restrain my mother, to stop her from exploding with anger when the teacher made a comment about me needing to work harder, despite my slaving efforts. Philsophy and Ethics was by far the best, they are both lovely teachers and they wanted to "bottle up my hard work and sell it".
A week has pasted since my low point, where the doctor told me that he would consider putting me into hospital if my depression got any worse. I have been taking 100mg of setralin rather than 50mg per day. My mood has improved. On thursday night I went to the park with my sister and we had a laugh. I took my camera with me, deciding to get to work straight away by improving my comments from the photographer teachers about needing to take more photographs.
On friday night it was the annual Halloween party at my school that everyone attends. It was good, and I even got busted for running back out with a friend and trying to hide behind the mini van, after our plan to find our secret stash of alcohol went to pot after we realised it had been taken. That was very thrilling and funny. I did want to try and get with a boy that I have liked for ages though, which didn't happen. I'm starting to feel like I will never get a boyfriend at this rate.
Tonight I've been looking through old photographs of me, and its certainly put into perspective how much weight I actually need to loose and how much I would feel happier if I did.
Why does my life seem to revolve around, my mood, school, and my weight?
Its all a little monotonous and tiring.
At least my mood has not gone rocketing up sky-high then crashing back down to an all time low. Its stable which is a good thing.
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