Deluded soul

Everything was going oh so very right and somewhere along the way it turned out to be oh so very wrong...

A couple of weeks after the medication and we arrive home after my third visit to see my doctor at the Maudsley. I hug my mum and we laugh about nothing in particular and I tell her how happy I am. I survive a week of school, and the build up to my driving test which I wasn't as nervous about as I thought I would be. I also didn't sink into any low moods, depressive states, cry or have a panic attack over it. I did however, fail, but I will just keep trying until I pass.

Last week was not so good. I started cutting my wrists again with a piece of glass, and I tried and failed miserably to make myself sick (something I haven't done in several months). I'm a little bit afraid to tell my doctor that my tablets aren't working, because I am worried what my state of mind would be like if I came off them. He also mentioned that he was "relieved" they worked, otherwise we would have to try an alternative method of treatment, by going down the "talking" route. I kid you not, I have spent a good half of my love analysing and talking in depth about my issues. Talking is no longer a helpful process in my recovery for me.

So I am faced with a dilemma. Do I stay on the tablets or do I confess that I have been self harming and self loathing? I know if I say this though my mother will be devastated  and I do not want to put her through any more anguish, especially after all she has done for me. I also found out from a close friend of mine that a girl I know, whom is a perfectionist, has become an anorexic. I am jealous, and for this I hate myself a lot, and hate her a little.

I want to take a leap of faith this friday at a party and just go and talk to this boy that I have liked for ages, but my weight physically stops me from feeling attractive or confident or worthy. I need to loose weight. It is the ONLY foreseeable thing that will make me happy. And getting good grades. And having a boyfriend. But all of that will come with being thin.

thin= happy happy happy 

I am a deluded soul, lost in a world were wrong is right and right is wrong.