Procrastinating as usual

I am procrastinating again which is not good.
I have a lot of school work to do, and its been pestering me as usual. I've pushed it to the back of my mind, but half term is over tomorrow, and I can no longer avoid putting it off.

I always have so much to say in my head- a beautiful, flowing story. But when it comes to write, I seem to freeze up. I forget what needs to be said.

I went a little crazy today. I threw stuff around the room, hurling it into the walls. I ate a lot of food, shoving it into my mouth to somehow fill the void of pain and emptiness. I turned off all the lights in my house, shielding my eyes until all light switches had been pressed, because somehow being in the dark feels safer. It feels like I am making my house conspicuous  so that people will not knock on my door, making me jump and cry out in fright. So that I can be left alone to self destruct quietly. I sit and continue to eat my food, feeling a sickening churn in the pit of my stomach. A feeling of uneasiness also consumes me throughout the day.

I've enjoyed writing with frequency lately. Sometimes though, I think that I would have nothing to say if I did not talk about my illness and my problems. Jan told me that I cling to sadness because I am afraid of the world, and I use it to fill the void in my life. I think I need to start filling that void with something new, something intellectual.
I wish I could write like this about politics, or history, or art or something, anything intellectual. This illness is not new and exciting, it doesn't quench my thirst for knowledge. Instead, it sticks like glue, peeling away slowly until there is nothing left of you, or it, or anyone else.
I like the thought of being intellectual. My doctor Femi tells me that he is certain I will fulfill my dreams, and my educational aspirations. I want three A's at the end of my A levels. I believe I am currently at a B standard in all of them, but I will work hard to improve them. I have decided to put some structure in place, to stop my life turning into a train-wrecked roller-coaster of a ride.
Here are the improvements that I am going to make,starting from tuesday:

- Every day after school I will stay for an hour to do homework
-Every day I would like to complete two pieces of work
- Every day I would like to go to the gym for at least an hour (preferably two)
- Every day I would like to have an hour to myself, to read, write, relax, wash my hair and fix it, paint my nails or do whatever
- I don't want to do homework at the weekends, I want to go out and have fun- I am going to make a conscious effort to do this, rather than staying at home cooped up. (If I get out and about more, then I am hoping my mood will improve)
- I will get in to bed at 9pm every evening, and read for an hour before falling asleep at ten. This will ensure that I have nine hours sleep.

Right I am going to try and get cracking with my homework. I think I have procrastinated enough by writing this post. Hope everyone is well xxx